I have so much I want to say about how impacted I am by reading Kyle’s story. Where do I start? Maybe by telling you that his life and his story have saved yet another little boy…mine. I say “saved” even though I can’t measure just how. I only know that I will do so many things differently now that I know about Kyle.
The day I learned about him I was having such a day with my little boy. He is almost 11 months old and was struggling with teething pain. He was irritable and not sleeping well. I was trying to rock him to sleep, once again, after a long night of waking every 1 to 2 hours to help soothe him back to sleep. It was about 9:00 a.m. and after 45 minutes of me gently rocking him, whispering “ssshhhhhh” in his little ear, he was still fussing and fighting to stay awake even though he was clearly exhausted. I was exhausted too and at my wit’s end. My back was killing me, my head was pounding, I was hungry, I had to go to the bathroom…Finally, in a moment of sheer exasperation I squeezed him up against my body and made the loudest “SSSSHHHHHH” sound I could! I saw his eyes go wide and for a second he stopped the fussy cry. Then his faced changed and he began a cry I had never heard from him before. It was awful. He sounded so sad. I had scared him so much and he cried as if I had broken his little heart. I was so shocked by my behavior and guilt-ridden by what I had just caused, I immediately started to cry and say, “I’m sorry….I’m so sorry” over and over again. That is the closest I had ever come to being abusive toward him and it will never ever happen again.
In that moment, I realized how it can happen that so many parents and caretakers of infants can loose their patience and do the most regrettable things. Once I got him to calm down and drift off to sleep, I came to my computer to cool off and read some email. And there it was…a message in my inbox from a member of my MOMS club. It was a link to the video of Kyle’s story and a plea to read the message and not delete it. I get so much SPAM and junk email that my first thought was just to delete it, but something made me click on the link. When the video started to play, I realized what it was about. I am ashamed to admit that I first thought, “not another sob story with a product endorsement attached to it!”. It only took another second to discover it was anything but that.
The first photo of Kyle struck me because my son has the same big brown eyes. I saw my baby boy in Kyle’s face and I could not look away. As the video rolled on I was entranced. I started to cry. Soon my tears turned into sobs. How could I have just moments ago been so cruel to my sweet little man who was suffering and so vulnerable? What was I thinking? Here I was reading about this horrific loss and a family’s pain that is beyond comprehension, and I was taking for granted the gift I have just because I am tired? I felt sick with guilt and shame.
The video ended and I then followed the link to your foundation website and read the detailed story of what Kyle’s last day was like. As I read it, I imagined it being me and my family. The pain was so visceral and unimaginable. No…it actually WAS imaginable, that was what made it so sickening and frightening. It COULD be me and I had to face that. I had to feel it as though it were happening to me. I felt like I owed it to Kyle to take it all in and not turn away. It’s hard to explain.
Of course, I immediately went out to my car and began to compulsively fasten and refasten the car seat belts to test their security. I remember just a few weeks ago thinking about how nice it would be when my baby would be big enough to move to a forward-facing car seat. 20 pounds right? One year old right? Wrong! Now I know.
I prayed to God for forgiveness over the way I had just behaved toward my son. I promised to never treat him in a way that would make him cry like that. So, now if I ever get close to the feeling I had when I was trying to get him to go to sleep, the feeling of wanting to lose my temper, I will see Kyle’s face and think, “what if this were the last day I have with my baby…how would I behave?”
I think that is how Kyle’s life has saved my son. Not just because I will heed the warnings about car seat safety and pass this on to anyone I know, but because my perspective shifted so dramatically from being a tired, short-fused mom to being beyond grateful that I have another day with my precious boy. Kyle gave that to me. He gave that perspective to me and it is priceless.
I hope this rambling email connects with you and that you know, once again, Kyle’s life made a difference in the world. I pray for you, your family, and thank you from the bottom of my soul.
Sincerely,
Leland’s Mom
