Meghan Mahar is a Child Protective Services social worker and Certified Child Passenger Safety Technician. Meghan is a wonderful mother to three children - Caitlin, Jake and Devyn. Meghan has experienced great personal loss in her life - her mother, brother and sister and her first daughter, Caitlin, who was killed in a car accident. She is a very strong woman and we are thrilled to have her assistance, expertise and advice on car seat safety matters.
At the age of 34 years old, I have experienced the loss of some of the most significant people in my life. On November 9, 1982, my mother's husband came to my grandparent's house and murdered my mother, my 7 year old sister, my 18 month old brother and himself. My youngest brother was 3 months old. He was shot twice and survived. I was at a friend's house when the murders occurred, but I walked home and somehow walked right past an entire SWAT team. I walked up to the front door and saw them lying in a pool of blood. I can still recall how alone and terrified I felt that moment...extremely terrified and confused, but mostly alone.
In the aftermath of this tragedy, my incredibly loving family all came together to care for my brother and I. I remember so many people saying to me, "you're such a survivor" and "God must have left you here for a reason." I almost felt pressured to be "ok" at 9 years old and after such an incredible trauma. I experienced some PTSD, I was afraid to be alone, afraid to walk up to my grandparents house in fear that I would see the same scene again, and illogically-afraid that he would come back for me. With the love and support of my family (and a lot of therapy), I grew up to be a very smart young woman. I think I felt that if I was perfect at everything, no one would think there was anything different or wrong with me.
When I was 15 years old, I fell in love. All I wanted to do was create that family that I lost and this time, I wouldn't let anyone destroy it. Despite my rank of 2nd in my class and my 30 ACT score, I graduated a semester early and got married. I was also pregnant with my first child. My husband was in the Navy, so we moved to San Diego. On June 18, 1991, I gave birth to my first child, Caitlin Anne. After a traumatic childhood filled with loss, Caitlin made me feel complete again. Being her mother helped me to fill some of the emptiness I felt from my childhood loss. I worked so hard to be a good mom. I was only 18 years old and living far away from all of my family members, but I was determined to do everything right. My biggest fear was that someone would say, “we told you you were too young."
I had another child in 1994, Jacob Tyler. In 1995, my husband was discharged from the military and we both chose to attend college at SIU-Carbondale. I always knew that I would eventually go to college. At this point, I was feeling confident in my skills as a mother and wife. I believed I could take on the additional role of student. And of course, I exceeded at that as well. Caitlin started Kindergarten in the Fall of 1996. It was as if she spent her whole life waiting to go to school.
On August 30, 1996, we were driving from Southern Illinois back to our hometown in Northern Illinois for a wedding. On a beautiful, sunny Labor Day weekend Friday, we were involved in a severe car crash. I remember being outside of the car with my 2 year old son, Jake. I remember my husband leaning from the driver's seat and trying to get out the passenger side, but he was severely injured. I remember Caitlin still buckled in her booster seat. I looked at her and I knew that she was gone. Caitlin's brain stem was severed.
Once at the hospital, I was told that she was brain dead, but being kept alive on machines. I made the decision to donate Caitlin’s organs, and we later were able to meet the woman who received her kidney. Because of Caitlin's gift, this woman was healthy for the first time in many years. She traveled to Ireland with her mother, fell in love and was married—just the type of fairy tale that Caitlin would have loved.
I was overcome with pain and grief. I don't think my family thought I could survive this. Of course I loved my son just as much, but Caitlin was my pride and joy. She beamed life, laughter and brought joy to so many people. I couldn't imagine being a mother to my son and not to her. I couldn't imagine trying to be a wife to my husband. My husband was hospitalized for 3 months with a fractured pelvis and several other injuries. How could anyone expect me to love anyone again, when I put so much love into Caitlin, just to have her ripped away? Is this the reason God wanted me to survive the trauma of my childhood? So I could learn to love someone with all my being, just to have her taken away.
The months following Caitlin's death are still a blur. I know that my son was cared for by my aunts, and eventually my husband. I somehow managed to stay enrolled in 2 classes and finish the semester. When that semester was over, I enrolled at a community college. I was also working full time because we had to completely start over. On March 9, 1998 I gave birth to my daughter, Devyn. She was one of the major reasons that I pulled myself out of the depths of grief and depression. I finally realized that Caitlin loved her brother and would have loved this baby. They have already lost their sister, and they shouldn't have to lose their mother as well.
In 2001, I graduated from college. It was one of my biggest accomplishments. I wanted to work with women and children. In 2001, I also became a certified child passenger safety technician, to educate the community about car seat safety. I have inspected and installed many car seats and encouraged parents to protect their children by using appropriate car seats. I now work as a Child Protective Services social worker. I absolutely love my job. I keep children safe from abusive and neglectful situations. It's a challenging and trying job, but I find it extremely rewarding. Unfortunately, my marriage did not survive the many obstacles we faced together. We made it longer than most people expected us to given that I was 17 when we married. I was divorced in 2005.
My children are growing up so fast. Jake is 12, Devyn is 8. They are beautiful, smart, insightful, loving and extremely empathetic children. I think that my greatest accomplishment is that I am still able to find joy in my life, despite the many losses I have had. There were times that I didn't want to survive, but I am glad that I am alive. I will always feel that hole in my heart where Caitlin, my mom, my brother and sister would be. When life is going good, I still can't help but think how much better it would be if they were here. But I feel blessed that I can look back on the 5 years I spent with Caitlin and have no regrets. I was with her everyday. She knew that she was loved and adored by many.
I have learned that when you choose to love someone deeply and unconditionally, you always risk the pain of losing them. But does that mean that I should look back and wish that I wouldn't have loved her so much...then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad to lose her? No, I will bear the pain and find peace in that I gave her all of myself. I loved her and didn't hold back, even though life had taught me at a very young age that life is fragile and unpredictable. People have told me, "Nobody should have to experience the loss of a child, but especially not you." I don't take anything for granted. I don't live carelessly and think, "well, I must have met my quota of bad things happening to me..I should be safe now." I know that we have free will and that there are no guarantees. So, I live each day with the goal that I can look back and have no regrets. I chose to love even though I've learned the pain of loss. And I still celebrate life despite the hand I've been dealt.
Caitlin in 1996
Caitlin aged 3
